Job Description: Mother of Young Children

Must Be Able To:

Dodge small toys in random places on the floor while walking.

Quicker than the speed of light to catch a climbing toddler as he or she falls.

Plan ahead: if you have anywhere outside of the house to go, you must start dressing your kids a full hour ahead of when you plan on getting into the van.  This does not allow time to bathe them or for yourself to get dressed….but allows time to chase down, tackle, and dress each lion cub individually….sometimes twice if they have an accident while waiting for you to get their brother or sister ready to go.

Packing skills:  if you don’t bring a spare change of clothes with you to every place you go, you may wind up with a child who has n accident all over his clothes in the middle of the library.  He may then tear his clothing off and streak throughout said library while you hurry to gather the rest of your children so you can fly home with said child naked.

Lift 30 pounds repeatedly throughout the day.

Have superb multitasking ablilities so you can change one child with one hand, while nursing another child….all while going to the bathroom yourself…while yelling at yet another child to not do something dangerous.

Foreign language and translation skills: Not only must you be able to speak your native language, but translate a jarbled version, a tired version, and a whiny version.  When you plan to speak, you must be aware that whatever you say you will probably have to say at least a minimum of 3 times.

Have stealth sneaking skills: You must learn how the walk on air so no one hears you if you want any small chance of going to the bathroom at night without small children waking up.

Safety control:  Kids are bombs of mass destruction. If you don’t keep your home safe the whole world may blow up.

Sleep deprevation:  Must be able to function while completely sleep deprived and able to hold your tongue of jealous-ness when your husband takes a nap.  Must be able to sleep with children laying in piles on top of you at night.

Have mad prediction skills: While kids are bombs of mass destruction they are also ticking time bombs of massive meltdowns.  You must feed them and take care of them BEFORE they get too hungry or too tired or all hell will break loose.

Focusing skills:  be able to write blogs like this while kids crawl all over you.

Shower Allowance:

Once a week you may get a shower.  If you are lucky you might get a shower twice- though during the second shower your husband is probably pacing outside the bathroom door with a screaming child.

Hours a Week:

You work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  You may get 5 minutes to yourself, but usually when you breathe that sigh of relief that the kids didn’t notice you hiding your husband finds you.  Now you no longer have any time to yourself.

Vacation/Sick Time:

None.  You must work through fevers, the flu, ruptured appendix, heck you could have blood spurting from your arteries or a chopped off leg and you will still be changing a diaper or nursing a kid while bandaging your wounds.

Pay/Perks/Benefits:

Snuggles, hugs, little breaths in your face, cute drawings, love, a full heart, always someone with you, being there to see your kids grow up.  Maybe a Grandchild in the future.

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